Living in Peace

It's easy to get lost in fear when you are dealing with cancer. 

I have had my share of panic attacks, depression, curled up in bed wanting to just be done with life moments. 

Those moments suck. But they are necessary, because it's in those moments you realize what it is you have to live for.

I don't live in fear, although I have every right to. I realize that fear is a very negative energy when held on to for too long. It drains the will to live, and accelerates the desire to give up. Not a waking hour goes by when I don't pause to remember what is going on with my body. But I gently urge the worry to run along, because I'm busy living. I'm busy enjoying my daughter. Loving my family. Nourishing my body with beautiful food. Worry about the future and missing these things i love when I'm gone doesn't help my energy. It's not going to heal me. Being thankful for the here and now is what matters. Because our bodies will all die someday anyway, even if it's not from cancer. Some may see this as negative thinking, but it really isn't. I see it as living in peace.

My Story

In September 2011, I noticed a grape sized lump in my left breast. My mom had just finished traditional treatments of chemo, surgery, and radiation for breast cancer. Watching her go through this, and then feeling a lump of my own, I was beyond worried. I went in for an exam including mammography and ultrasound. To my suspicious relief, I was told I only had a fibrocystic breast, and to not be concerned, but there was not anything they could do. 
Months went by, and the single lump got bigger and bigger, like a balloon being filled with water. It was now April, 2012, and my friends were concerned about how I described what was happening, and urged me to go in again. The lump was now the size of a golf ball. I went in to have another exam. "Looks like a hematoma," said the nurse, "Have you bumped yourself hard recently?" I hadn't, I explained, and that it was a growing mass that I have had for over 6 months. Another ultrasound and mammography test showed a peculiar fluid filled mass. I was sent off for an immediate biopsy. The doctor took 10 (TEN!) core samples. Imagine what happens when you poke a water balloon ten times. The weeks following my biopsy, the mass grew incredibly. On April 10, 2012, at age 27 with a 3 year old daughter, I was diagnosed with a rare, aggressive, High-grade, Stage III Angiosarcoma- a blood vessel cancer. A PET scan showed other suspicious spots throughout my body.
The next few weeks are a blur, as I was put on the cancer conveyor belt. Appointment after appointment, all I heard was bad news that to this day has scarred my heart. I was assigned a heavy chemo/radiation regimen, and completely numb and mentally abused, I signed up for my date with the Poison Chair to be that coming Monday. That night I cried and cried. I already felt dead. Even with traditional therapy, my life expectancy was 2 years. That weekend, after much study and prayer, I made the decision that I was not going to spend 18 of my last 24 months of life bald, sick and puking from chemotherapy. I called the clinic an hour before my appointment and cancelled. The hardest against-the-grain decision I ever made.
I began religious researching. There had to be another way. I began to uncover story after story of people who had changed their lifestyles and had overcome even terminal cancers. My life made a 180 degree flip. After living on the Standard American Diet my whole life, I began to follow a modified Gerson Therapy diet which included juicing 13 glasses of organic veggies and fruits a day. I was taking many daily vitamins and supplements, coffee enemas, salads, and a nutritious soup. This very strict vegan diet is intended to detox the body and rebuild it so that it is strong enough to fight for itself.I followed this diet for 5 months. Despite how much better I was feeling, the primary tumor continued to grow...perhaps because of all of the holes they poked into it that allowed it to continuously bleed. In August 2012, I gave in and scheduled surgery which included a total mastectomy of my left breast. Scans post surgery showed a clean slate. They were able to get clear margins, and all suspicious spots were gone. Win. So I thought.
I let up on the diet. I was running out of ways to afford that amount of food. I still juiced, but much less. I began to cheat a little. I found myself craving meat, so I caved in, and would feel much better afterwards. I slowly transitioned into a Paleo diet, then a whole foods diet. The temptation of the holidays brought many sugar-coated cheats which I partially blame for my current situation.One cheat leads to many.
I continued to eat 90% healthy, but I was finding myself cheating often. It is hard to eat clean when we are conditioned to consume the garbage that lines the grocery store shelves, especially when EVERYONE around you eats that way.
I noticed another tiny lump in January, 2013. I applied an herbal salve to it that is supposed to kill and draw cancer to the surface to be eliminated as a scab. And that's what happened. The lump was gone! Win! So I thought, until another lump appeared in May, next to where the previous one was removed by salve. It seemed to have popped up overnight as the size of a marble. Once again I tried the salve. But this time, things didn't work the same. The scab would fall off, but the lump remained...and grew. And grew. Having been kicked off my insurance plan, I was in a tough spot. Cards somehow, by an act of God, fell into place and I suddenly qualified for insurance assistance. I made an appointment with a surgeon who admitted me to the hospital that morning.
I was scanned and tested again, and to my dismay found that it had spread to my lungs, liver, and possibly ovaries. On 7/3, I began radiotherapy on the chest tumor in order to get it manageable so I could go home and be "comfortable". Chemo is still not an option to me.
I'm not done fighting, even though I have a definite death sentence on my plate. I have too much to do, so much love to give..I feel like I haven't even begun...so this can't be the end. I need to live to see my daughter be a teen-aged pain in my ass, like I was. I need to help pick out her prom dress. Her graduation dress. Her wedding dress. I need to give the important people in my life more memories. I need to turn 30. 40. 50.
So this is my cancer story. It's not a happy one yet, but that's because it isn't finished. I have a few last tricks up my sleeve and a lot of learning to do to put this jig-saw together. I just need to find a few pieces of this puzzle that are hiding. I have to find them and put them in place before the time is up...and God willing... I will.
Thanks for listening. Donations made on this site do not go to Melissa. To support Melissa and her family financially, please visit: https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/gkn2/melissa-kleine-s-cancer-fund