Gratitude

Shame

I must be honest. I have fallen off of the health wagon.

Ok.....maybe just being dragged by a rope behind it. Still following because I can't unlearn.

 I have lost ambition, somehow, and found it easy to make excuses to make unhealthy decisions.


 Some may still refer to me as the healthiest person they know, but I no longer consider myself a health martyr. As much as I love to be an inspiration to people, I feel like I have let them down. Most importantly, I have let myself down.
I have been skipping meals because I don't want to create a new recipe, or opting for something quick and easy....like a Papa Murphy's pizza. Twice in the past two weeks. *shame*
My sleep is not a priority anymore. I have been working late, or getting done early and staying late to have a glass of wine. Or two. Or three....... And I'll briefly mention the "air pollution" that comes with the bar atmosphere. *unbearable shame*  sigh.
The part that makes me beat myself up, is that I KNOW I am stumbling, and pretend I don't care. Until the evil deed is done...then I suddenly regret it. Then, I mentally punish myself. Also unhealthy.

It is so hard to be an eagle in a flock of buzzards.

Maybe I have let myself become obsessed with this lifestyle. Maybe the habits are who I am? How does one escape?

Why me? Why was I chosen to have to deal with this? Why can't I binge like everyone else and not have to worry about the effects? Why do I have to be constantly reminded of the reason I live this way every time I take a shower, or get dressed and assemble my prosthetic breast?

Tis the season to be jolly.. falalala-fooey. It's not easy being me. I just want to be happy and healthy. But it seems impossible to be both at the same time.

I am not looking for sympathy. I am not looking for, "it's ok, ya gotta live" comments. I just want the worry to go away. Because not a day goes by that I don't check for lumps or bumps or pains or fatigue or any other side affect that "might be cancer." I just want it to be easier. I miss who I was before I had to worry.

I want to try yoga, but haven't a clue as to where to begin. Or energy healing. Perhaps I just need to pray more.

Sorry... my guest writer Debbie Downer made this blog post. She pops up once in awhile to prove that I am still human.

Today's moral of the story: be thankful for what you have. Even if the only thing to be thankful for is a lack of worry.